It was still night time, that much she could tell without opening her eyes. She could hear the hush that came with darkness on the street the Rowhouse was on, knew that it was probably early in the morning, hours yet before even the sun rose. Lavender didn't know what had woken her, but turning onto her side, she decided it wasn't going to keep her from sleep.

Opening her eyes as she tucked her arm under her pillow, she froze for a split second, heart stilling in her chest. For the span of several beats, she didn't draw breath, only stared without blinking, mouth going dry with hope. Her thoughts and the shock that had come with them abated quickly, cold realization replacing it a few seconds later. Lavender sighed as she burrowed further into the sheets, seeking the warmth that had suddenly been sucked from her person.

"You're not really here."

"You're dreaming, yes," Cat said from her side of the bed, mirroring Lavender's position, honest blue eyes blinking, a seemingly calm and pleasant smile on her face.

Lavender shook her head, eyes closing, cheek digging further into the feather pillow. "I hate these dreams."

"No you don't."

"Yes I do."


Opening her eyes, a stubborn look on her face, Lavender glared at Cat. The blonde had always been able to draw her anger to the front. She'd also been able to draw other emotions - passion, lust, love - just as easily. Cat's ability to make her feel had been one of the things that had drawn Lavender to the blonde in the first place.

"You know, you only come when I'm having a hard time, when there's something wrong, when I'm being stupid. You never come just because. Just once, just once, I wish I could see you without there being a lesson."

"When it's hard and something's wrong... that's when you need me the most."

Hating that she was right, Lavender sighed. "I need you all the time."

Loneliness seemed like something that was impossible, living in a house with a friend and his young son, but the loneliness Lavender was feeling was a different kind of lonely. She'd nearly forgotten what it felt like to be held, to be wanted, desired. That memory was slowly fading, and it was one of the ones she wanted to keep, its place among so many others that she'd rather have obliviated from her mind.

"I'm here all the time, watching. All the time," Cat said with emphasis, raising an eyebrow as she looked at Lavender.

Peering across the small space at her image of her dead lover, the Gryffindor blinked. "What?"

"Who are you, Lav?"

Lavender's eyebrows knit together in confusion, her expression tinted with a bit of defensiveness. "What do you mean by that?"

"I mean who are you, now?"

Jaw tightening, Lavender gripped her pillow a bit harder, pain in her chest as she realized what Cat was asking. "I'm the girl you left behind," she answered.

Cat shook her head, blonde hair sliding along the fabric of the sheets. "No you're not. You're nothing like the girl I love. You're a shadow of who she was. The Lavender I knew, the Lavender I adored, had fire. She didn't wallow, didn't accept what was given to her, but worked for what she wanted. Where did that amazing girl go? Can you even find her?"

Staring into honest blue eyes, Lavender's chin began to shake. She didn't know where she'd gone, why she was so lost. She kept thinking things were getting better, that she would finally be happy, only to have the rug pulled from beneath her feet, falling back into the depression she was all too familiar with.

"I don't know what to do."

"Yes you do, otherwise I wouldn't know, and I know, so you have to know."

"You're talking in riddles," Lavender said, voice weary.

"You're thinking in them," Cat countered, reaching out, her finger millimeters away from Lavender's nose as it hovered above skin, tracing down along her jawline. "You've buried yourself so deeply you can't get out."

"I don't want to get out."

"Yeah, that much is obvious." The blonde frowned, fingers lingering over a bit of wetness as it squeezed from the corner of Lavender's eye. "You can't hide forever."

"Hiding means I can't get hurt," Lavender whispered, blinking away the moisture from her vision. "Hiding means I'm not going to fail again." That I won't get left behind.

"People fail, sweetie. It's the only way we find out we're human. You have a heart, and it's not always going to broken, despite what you might think."

Shaking her head, Lavender hugged the pillow tighter to her chest, wishing for the world that it was something that could reciprocate the gesture. At the moment, it felt like her heart would never be mended, never be whole again. Whether it be death or simply distance, everyone she loved was taken from her.

"You can't get what you deserve if you don't go out and get it."

"I tried. I tried," Lavender said, tears leaking quicker, her voice growing thick with emotion. "I thought I was happy again and it fell apart."

"I'm sorry," Cat said, "and it probably won't be the last time you'll be disappointed, but you can't stop living."

"I can try," sniffled Lavender, reaching up to angrily brush at the tears on her cheeks.

"See? That's the stubborn girl I know and love. Growl at me, you know I like it."

A ghost of a smile touched Lavender's lips as she glared in Cat's direction. It had been over three years since she'd had a conversation with the blonde in bed like they were. Three years. "I miss you both so much it feels like I'm going to stop breathing."

"But you won't. We'd be rather upset if you did. There's no expiration date on you yet, Lavender Brown, and we intend to keep it that way. But for you to live, you have to really live. You have to stop being afraid. You need to stop running in place and actually get in on the race."

Lavender knew this Cat was a creation of her brain, her subconscious manifesting into someone she loved, someone comfortable. Despite this, knowing that the words Cat spoke were really her own being parroted through her lover's visage, she wanted to deny their truth.

"I'm afraid."

"Everyone's afraid, all the time. The trick to living is not letting that fear dictate how you live. Don't put yourself in danger, but appreciate that you will fall and hurt yourself. Getting up, regardless of how much it hurts, is how you win."

Cat smiled, leaning forward, "and we all know how competitive you are."

Watery smile finding its way to her face, Lavender's fingers longed to reach out and touch Cat, but some part of her knew that if she did, she'd wake up, lose this. She just wanted a few minutes longer.

"I need to-"

"I know."

"It's going to hurt."

"Probably."

"And-"

"Mmhmm, that too."

"What if that doesn't work out either?"

"Then it wasn't meant to be, and you'll find another. Better."

Lavender frowned. "You sound so confident."

"I got that from you."

"You are me."

"A part, but that's not all I am. There's darkness to come, but also brightness. You just have to weather the storm, wait it out. It gets better."

Loosening her grip on the pillow, Lavender's hand reached out, inches away from Cat's cheek. "Promise?"

'Promise.'

Blinking at the light pouring in through her windows - morning - Lavender turned her face away from the sun, towards the other side of her bed, half of her hoping She'd still be there. She wasn't, but the Gryffindor swore the other pillow looked like a head had been laid on it recently.

Smiling sadly, Lavender buried her face into the cloth, taking a deep breath. Sighing, she laid back, staring up at her ceiling.

Miles to go...


Summary: Lavender has help pointing her in the right direction.