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Boy Who Lived Seen Ring Shopping!
By Daniel Took
With a look of love in his glowing green eyes, Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, bent over a ring display and quietly asked questions about clarity and color.
“It has to be perfect,” the notoriously media shy wizard was overheard telling the salesperson.
Potter has been characteristically mum about his new roamcne, going so far as to deny its existence. “What are you talking about?” he said when asked about the woman. “I’m not dating anyone.”
The woman is described as a willowy beauty with short red hair and green eyes. It is suspected that she is Muggle, since the couple have not made any wizarding world appearances. This, however, is not exactly out of character for Potter, who has denied the Prophet’s offer of an exclusive interview on several occasions.
“He’s gone with a muggle because that [expletive] Ginny Weasley broke his heart. He doesn’t think he can find anyone in the wizarding world who’d understand him!” Magda Runnings, head of the Harry Potter Fanclub states.
Ginny Weasley and Potter dated for several years during and after the war, their relationship ending abruptly and without reason. “She were cheatin’ on ‘im, obviously! Tha [expletive] were a glory 'ound, only wit 'im for th' fame 'er family couldn’t provide for 'er!” Sonny Fog had to say.
Whoever this mystery woman is, The Boy Who Lived is sure to have found his match!
A Change in the Lineup! Delaney Knocked Up!
By Michael Cornerstone
The name of the father has not been released, though it is assumed to be her long-time live-in boyfriend, Eric Saunders. Alicia Spinnet, a chaser on the reserve team and once captain in the Gryffindor Quidditch team during her years at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, has been chosen as her replacement.
Abigail Fisher, an avid Quidditch fan, had this to say about the change: “Alicia is really excited for this opportunity! She was ecstatic when she found out. She’s been working for this for ages. I’m glad the world will get to see what she can do!” Puddlemere United play the Applebee Arrows at home on Saturday.
By Howard Giggs
The 43-year-old housewitch was wearing a pair of magicked knickers from the new store in Diagon Alley, Miss Knight’s Kitschy Knickers, while she window-shopped.
But she got so stimulated by the charmed vibrating piece of cloth that she lost consciousness.
She fell and hit her head in the crowded streets. When medi-witches from St. Mungo’s apparated in, they found her knickers still buzzing. They took them off before apparating her to St. Mungo’s.
The woman, whose identity has been kept private, suffered no long-lasting ill-effects. As she left the wizarding hospital, a medi-wizard gave her back the Passion Pants in a plastic bag. A spokeswitch for Miss Knight’s Kitschy Knickers told the Prophet: “We like to think that shopping with us may lead to slurred speech and red faces.”
Assistance Required:
Hyacinth Elixirs is looking for one employee, who can run a register and memorize uses of potions. They need not know how to brew said potions, but must be good at interacting with people. Full time work, competitive pay, perfect job for someone who enjoys talking to people.
Bring a resume to M. Severus Snape, P.M., at Hyacinth Elixirs, 74 Diagon Alley.
For Hire:
Talented, young, and experienced potions maker and potions consultant.
Available for consultations only.
Hours and prices are negotiable.
Send a reply to the Prophet.
Used Tombstone
Perfect for someone named Homer Hephensuckle
Owl Patrick Sutton, Goldcrest Circle
Nemesis Wanted: I’m 5’10, into quidditch, books and conversation (by day), justice honour and vengeance (by night). Seeking arch-enemy, possibly crimelord or deformed megalomaniac. Owl Allison Hotchkiss, c/o of the Daily Prophet.
Am you grammar letting we down? Private tuition available. Now owl now. Daily Prophet sent to.
Across
1. * Ms. Hufflepuff
6. Type of Tide
9. Fuel for a Ford
12. * Slytherin color
13. Cathedral City (HINT! Rhymes with See Why)
14. Cheer heard by a bullfighter
15. Don't stop
16. Winter ailment, for short
17. * Madam Malkin's ___ Shop
18. * Beloved gamekeeper and friend to curious creatures
21. Genetic letters
23. * Hogwarts is located in the what, for short?
24. To the same extent
25. * Hermione ___
27. The 19th and 5th letters of the alphabet
28. * Book ___ is called "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban"
30. Not she
31. Word with Niño
33. When doubled, it's a fun toy that is round and is attached to a string
34. How would SouthWest be shortened?
36. Initials of the famous poet Robert Browning
38. Famous movie about an alien that was directed by Steven Spielberg
41. 'Not Applicable', for short
43. Asner the Actor
45. * It took J.K. Rowling almost ___ to write "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" NOTE: There are two words in the answer!
48. The 15th and 19th letters of the alphabet
50. * Ball used to score goals
53. How would 'California' be abbreviated?
54. David Niven's monogram
55. What is the acronym of the 'United Parcel Service'?
56. * This tree could whomp you
58. In proportion: Pro ___ (HINT! Rhymes with Data)
60. Fella (HINT! Rhymes with Had)
62. Look! ___ and behold!
63. Tina Turner's ex-singing partner
64. * Gryffindor color
65. * Wizard hats are shaped like them
68. Average grade
69. * The beam from the Basilisk's what can be deadly?
70. * Fred and George are these
Down
1. Initials of actor Hugh Grant
2. Hospital drama on TV
3. Wear these in the Winter while skating: ___ings (HINT! Rhymes with Egg)
4. * Ron's brother
5. Classic movie: "___ American in Paris" (1951)
6. Freshwater Fishy
7. * In Quidditch, it can knock players off their brooms
8. One of the ways the ants came marching (Hurrah! Hurrah!): Two ___ Two
9. Icky stuff
10. * Dumbledore's first name
11. * This player must catch the Snitch
16. Acronym of the Food and Drug Administration
17. One of a kind
18. * It will sort you
19. Pale in color
20. Wraths (HINT! Rhymes with Tires)
22. I know not what, in French: Je ___ sais quoi
26. Concord is the capital of this state in the U.S.A.
29. * Harry's best friend
32. * Quidditch commentator
35. * Name for family of red-haired boys and Ginny
37. Beautiful island of Indonesia (HINT! Rhymes with Cali)
39. Restaurant chain: ___ Bell
40. * Mr. Gryffindor
42. Hue of Blue, like the color of the Ocean
44. The 4th and 6th letters of the alphabet
46. * Hufflepuff color
47. Adjective that describes an uncooked potato
49. * Harry can use Parseltongue to speak with one
51. Direction of a computer keyboard arrow
52. When a friend receives an e-mail, then sends it to you, these three letters will most likely appear in its subject line
57. Actress Anderson
59. Golf peg
61. Ending to "Lemon"
64. Regarding, briefly
65. The 3rd and 20th letters of the alphabet
66. Letter after Em
67. How would SteamShip be shortened?
accomplished