He'd just hoped to put it off as long as possible. He didn't want to revisit that night or the memories. Hell, he had nightmares enough that the events of that night were permanently etched in his brain. He didn't want the flashbacks of his Mum lying on the foyer floor covered in blood while the Death Eaters laughed and taunted his Da. He didn't want to remember being pulled into one of the passageways by a house-elf or the silencing charm he'd been hit with when the Death Eaters burst into Stone Walk. He didn't want to remember collapsing between his parents, kneeling in the pool of their blood. He didn't want to think about one of the elves taking him by the hand and bringing him to Hogwarts. He didn't want to remember McGonagall's face when he stumbled and stuttered as he explained what had happened. He really didn't want to remember the aurors and their fucking interrogations that summer. McGonagall had surprised Greg, standing with him against the Ministry and fighting for his right to keep the family holdings. She'd even contacted a school in America and secured his place there for his seventh year.

Shaking, literally, Greg stepped into the gentlemen's lounge of Stone Walk. He had always loved the feel of this room even when he'd been unable to truly read any of the books that lined one of the walls. But, books weren't what he was after today. He wanted the bar. His mother would disapprove heartily of him entering the cemetery with alcohol, but there as no way he could do it otherwise. His only other option was potions and he'd finally rid himself of that habit nearly four years ago. Numb, I need numb for this. The evening spent with Katie had brought home the realization that he was still running away and that he couldn't do it anymore; not if he ever wanted to truly live. Owling Raven had helped, though the bastard had sent Muninn back with Huginn. Thought and memory indeed. He had enough of both without the reminders sitting there in his flat. The ravens were just another tangible reminder he didn't need. Just like his arguments with Theo and Blaise, two men he'd once considered family. It was obvious that neither man cared any longer. It just proved, once the fuck again, how much of a failure he was.

He grabbed the nearest bottle of Grey Goose, silently thanking Lucien for her foresight, and nearly ran through the house. He hit the gardens at a dead run and kept going. It wasn't until he reached the grove before the cemetery that he stopped and sat down, right on the ground. He cracked open the bottle and gulped it down. there was no way he could face the graves without some liquid courage.

"Weak, Gregory, you're weak." Greg shook his head to silence his Da's voice. "What is wrong with you, boy? Are you really too stupid to read? You're a Goyle! That means something and you can't continue to besmirch our good name. I don't know why the Malfoy boy puts up with you."

"Leave him alone," his Mum screamed. "He's only a boy! Our only living child!"

"He's useless. Slow in every way."

Greg wanted to scream, even now, that he wasn't slow or stupid. He wanted to pull his wand, march into the cemetery, and blow up his Da's gravestone. He loved his Da, but he'd never been the son that Nero Gregory Goyle had wanted. He couldn't though, even now the fatherly disapproval weighed heavily- it seemed to fill the very air with the scoldings that had become more and more frequent as the threat of that madman who held his father's soul grew stronger. He set the bottle aside and got to his feet. The urge for a potion was riding him hard and he couldn't...wouldn't last against it much longer.

"It's now or never," he muttered, squaring his shoulders. "I can do this, damn it all."

He crossed the grove and pushed open the enormous black iron gate. The cemetery was deep in the woods of Stone Walk, in a grove some ancestor had deemed worthy. Mum had brought him here many times, telling the stories of each ancestor as they passed. Over on the far left was where the children were buried. Even as a child himself it had been hard to walk past the statues of small children. He had a baby sister buried there, a fairy statue marking her grave. Abelinda had been a beautiful baby with big brown eyes and a full head of riotously curly hair. He'd loved curling up in the chair with his mum and holding her. She'd been his little china doll. Her death had changed him, even at age five. Greg knew it was Abelinda's short influence that made him so protective of Maeve and Pansy. Oh Merlin, Oh Gods...joining her sounds like a fine idea just now.

Lost in thought, it wasn't until he nearly stumbled over the little fairy statue that Greg realized where his feet had led him. He dropped to his knees and bowed his head. "Hey, Abbs, I'm sorry I left you alone for so long. I wanted...needed...I just had to get away from here."

He trailed a finger down the cheek of the fairy who's face an exact replica of Abelinda's when she died at age three. There was a portrait of her, up in his childhood bedroom, dressed in a miniature set of dress robes with flowers and crystals wound through her hair. It had been mere weeks later that she fell ill, just after his fifth birthday. She was gone before Yule that year. "I miss you, baby sister, so much. I remember playing in the gardens...holding your tiny little hand in mine and promising never to let anything hurt you."

Greg didn't realize he was crying until his vision blurred. I'm a failure, coward, useless...I should have died with Mum and Da... Burying his face in his hands, Greg let loose all the emotions he'd hidden away, denied, refused to deal with for the past five years. He collapsed, curled in a ball. Once the storm of emotions had passed, he slowly got to his feet and pulled his wand. "Accio, vodka."

He caught the bottle and took a healthy swig. "I'm sorry, baby girl, I just...I can't do this anymore. I love you."

With that he rushed from the cemetery intent on burying himself in the bottle of Grey Goose. Maybe, just maybe he wouldn't wake up this time.

Numb, he needed to be numb. 

{Summary} Greg visits the cemetery at Stone Walk...and contemplates suicide.